I am attempting to be authentic. this entails a whole load of things, not least of which that I have to live by the principles that I believe in. / I believe that one has a moral obligation to be happy. I used to believe that one has a moral obligation to show happiness, regardless of your emotions—because showing happiness is only controlling your actions, & that has no borderline-insane ramifications in respect of your mind, or your soul—but this is not authentic; you are lying to others and harming yourself (or worse yet harming yourself!). / as the majority of teens do, I went through a few bad spells which lasted sometimes for just a week, sometimes for whole seasons. I noticed how my mood affects others around me, how it negatively impacts my work, my writing, my socialising, my life, —but more importantly I noticed that it would affect my outlook on life.
granting (as we must) a physiological influence upon the mental, —and of course a mental on the physical, as a circle (or a spiral, depending on one’s mood)—exercising, eating well, excusing yourself from situations—and people—that will send you into depression, finding help in family, friends or professionals when necessary, & keeping up a lifestyle of conscious being, is a way to curb the symptoms of depression. / sometimes, admittedly, this means simply forcing myself to turn the television on during the weekend, or writing a few sentences (rather than staring into space), or forcing myself to eat even when all food tastes like dirt. but sometimes this means leaving the house and seeing a friend on a day where I’d much rather be under a bedcover, folding in on myself.
all those having real trouble, I know how hard it is, but don’t underestimate the power of really attempting to live how you would want to live. and lastly, maybe don’t go so easy on yourself sometimes; trust me, you’re certainly stronger than you think you are at your lowest.
at the gym there’s a terribly fit girl — outpaces me at 15 when I’m plodding along, sweating and out of breath at 12 — who has been my lucky charm the past couple of days, always an empty treadmill one or two away from her, & she makes me try harder. / today I finished my sets quickly — doing arms and shoulders today, it hurts! — so I could go over and run next to her. / yeah, I’m fairly sure she just thinks I’m a creepy fucker.
there aren’t any mirrors on one floor of my gym. this has benefits that are also negative. / for example, you aren’t put off becoming red and sweaty on the treadmill, and making your orgasm face while doing your last two heavy reps, BUT you are red and sweaty, and everyone has now seen your orgasm face — and not the one you put on during passion, either; the one after angry fucking that we don’t let girls see. / also, there’s no way for someone on the treadmill next to you to spy on you all sneaky without you knowing, — they’d have to turn and face you — BUT you also can’t admire a guy or girl working out near you without just full-on staring, the result being that you’re now seen as homosexual or a pervert.
anyway, our general election is getting really bloody close, the propaganda machine is in full swing, & it’s getting close to when the main parties — I don’t mean in the sense of two-party politics; there are a lot of important parties this time around! — are going to break out the big guns. and by big guns I mean the newspapers are going to get a few anonymous tips, soon. / yeah, this should have been two separate posts, but I don’t want to spam when I haven’t much to say.
I started intermittent fasting a week ago Friday and really noticing a difference in energy, sleeping patterns, weight loss, & a massive change in hunger. Honestly I’m just feeling physically better all-round. / I’m fasting from when I wake up — at around 7.00 a.m. — to about 7.00 p.m. with a snack of some fruit or nuts at about 5.00 p.m. when I leave work and head to the gym. / Fasting just applies to food, here. I drink lots of water and one or two cups of black coffee. / I find that as long as I remember to eat the snack I don’t feel hungry at any point of the day, even after an hour long session at the gym, even though I’m probably only consuming 1500 calories a day. / I know that’s not enough calories, & I shouldn’t really expect any gains in strength on such a massive deficit, but I’m focused mostly on lowering my bodyfat at the moment. . . . I promise I’ll work much harder on being healthier very soon! — I’m almost at my goal.