XXVII. on coffee and James Joyce — II.

Making my very—very, very—slow way through James Joyce’s Ulysses, & coming to a lot of conclusions (or I suppose they are tentatively putaside questions) about my own writing, & about life in general.

—History, Stephen said, is a nightmare from which I am trying to wake.
From the playfield the boys raised a shout. A whirring whistle: goal. What if that nightmare gave you a back kick?
—The ways of the Creator are not our ways, Mr Deasy said. All human history moves towards one great goal, the manifestation of God.
Stephen jerked his thumb towards the window, saying:
—That is God.
Hooray! Ay! Whrrwhee!
—What? Mr Deasy asked.
—A shout in the street, Stephen answered, shrugging his shoulders.

What is God? If there is no belief in Him—and there is, clearly, worldwide belief in Him, but I mean personally—then what do we strive for? I believe it is a form of human perfection that is only temporary in concept and likely impossible in form and matter, but the concept and the strife and the striving is important. we create ourselves; & in doing so our society, our history, our God. I do not believe in God, but I believe Joyce speaks truth. / I wish I had a greater understanding of this God.

XXV. on the moral obligation of happiness

I am attempting to be authentic. this entails a whole load of things, not least of which that I have to live by the principles that I believe in. / I believe that one has a moral obligation to be happy. I used to believe that one has a moral obligation to show happiness, regardless of your emotions—because showing happiness is only controlling your actions, & that has no borderline-insane ramifications in respect of your mind, or your soul—but this is not authentic; you are lying to others and harming yourself (or worse yet harming yourself!). / as the majority of teens do, I went through a few bad spells which lasted sometimes for just a week, sometimes for whole seasons. I noticed how my mood affects others around me, how it negatively impacts my work, my writing, my socialising, my life, —but more importantly I noticed that it would affect my outlook on life.

granting (as we must) a physiological influence upon the mental, —and of course a mental on the physical, as a circle (or a spiral, depending on one’s mood)—exercising, eating well, excusing yourself from situations—and people—that will send you into depression, finding help in family, friends or professionals when necessary, & keeping up a lifestyle of conscious being, is a way to curb the symptoms of depression. / sometimes, admittedly, this means simply forcing myself to turn the television on during the weekend, or writing a few sentences (rather than staring into space), or forcing myself to eat even when all food tastes like dirt. but sometimes this means leaving the house and seeing a friend on a day where I’d much rather be under a bedcover, folding in on myself.

all those having real trouble,  I know how hard it is, but don’t underestimate the power of really attempting to live how you would want to live. and lastly, maybe don’t go so easy on yourself sometimes; trust me, you’re certainly stronger than you think you are at your lowest.